That little voice in your head? Stop agreeing with it!

You know that little voice in your head - the constant internal monologue that disguises as a dialogue, the imaginary conversations with imaginary versions of the people in your life that run in the background of your mind (see the Peanut Theory).

That voice that usually tells you everything you're doing wrong, how worthless you are, how generally unloveable. The voice that might even tell you you have no reason to be here, that no-one will miss you if you're gone, that actually the world would be a better place without you. 

For some it's just the voice of self-doubt, an incessant questioning of their choices.

For others, it's the voice of depression.

For others still, it's the voice of despair leading to suicide.

For all those whose voice brings them down, whose voice is not one of self-love, I have a simple yet brilliant piece of advice (simple, brilliant, yet not necessarily easy to apply):

Stop agreeing with it!

You see, the voice in our head originates inside us. Yes, it might be a continuation of messages we repeatedly received in our childhood or adulthood, but that voice you hear, that nasty internal "dialogue", is nonetheless a product of your own brain.

And like everything that originates inside us, we can change it. We can change the way we look at things. We can even change how we feel about things. 

The first step, as always, is awareness. It's to isolate the voice in our head and identify it "oh, that's just my inner demon talking" or "funny, sounds exactly like what my father/mother used to say to me".

The next step is to stop agreeing with it. 

Make it into a habit to interrupt the internal voice by telling yourself you don't agree with it. 

When you hear it tell you that "you're not loveable" - don't agree with it. Remind yourself of all the things that make you loveable and all the people who do love you.

If the voice tells you that you're incompetent, and that your colleagues are bound to find out any day now, stop agreeing with it, and tell yourself of all the reasons why you are good in your job.

If the voice tells you that you're worthless, don't agree with it, but rather remind yourself of all the good things you do for those around you, even if they can't see it.

This is about changing the way we think about ourself, which then in turn will change the way we feel about ourself and then life in general.

Don't get me wrong, it's not an easy exercise. Sometimes you may find it necessary to enrol a little bit of outside help - your friends, your family (as long as they are not already struggling with their own demons) or a therapist.

In the same way you wouldn't agree with a good friend describing themselves as useless, incompetent or unloveable - please stop agreeing with it for yourself.

Why does growth always hurt?

Have you noticed how much it hurts to grow?
Whether it's to grow up, mature, improve, whatever form growth is taking?

It's because growth is change.
And change always hurts.

So why should we try and grow?
Because growth is more than just change - it's change in "the" right direction.

Of course there are lots of directions that are right for growth.
And the good news is, you get to pick and choose.

There are the physical ones - pick up a new exercise regime, grow some muscles.
The intellectual ones - learn a new language, or geometry in space, whatever tickles your fancy.

And then there is emotional growth - my quest, both personally and professionally.

Emotional growth is about becoming more of who you can be, in a good way.
The same way that growing doesn't change a child, but fulfils their potential, emotional growth doesn't change who you are, but makes you "more of you".

That growth can take many different shapes.
For some, it's to allow themselves to be vulnerable, to let others in.
For others, it's about letting go of an addiction, by finding other, healthier ways to deal with life's challenges.
For others still, it's about forgiving, others or themselves.

I am tempted to say that all growth is about the letting go of fears.
The fear of not being good enough or not loveable.
The fear of not being safe.
The fear of suffering and dying.

When we hold on to our outdated fears, we let our past (and sometimes our parents and ancestors' pasts) dictate our future. When we choose to let go of our fears, we become free to grow - a bit like a small tree sapling might first be tied to a stake so it grows straight (our fears served a purpose at some stage in our life), but eventually that stake needs to be removed to allow the tree to grow all the way.

How would you like to grow? In which direction?
What fears, what belief systems may be holding you back?

Yes, growing will probably be painful.

But I promise you this: it will allow you to live more truly, more fully and most importantly, it will make it possible for you to live as yourself.

A definition of depression for the "Lucky Ones"

The "Lucky Ones"? They are the people who have never personally experienced depression, and hence struggle to imagine it, even if they're otherwise empathetic.

Here is what I tell them.

Imagine grief.
Losing someone really close to you.
This overwhelming feeling of not being whole anymore.

Now imagine going to work the next day.
You can barely concentrate. It takes all your efforts not to burst into tears.

You try to eat lunch.
None of what is on your plate has any flavour, nothing even wants to slide down your throat.

It's the evening, and you're supposed to meet friends.
You force yourself to go. You're surrounded by people who like you and whom you like.
But all you experience is this overwhelming feeling of grief and loss.

Nothing you normally enjoy has any taste.
It's like all the pleasure has been drained from your life.

Now imagine well-meaning people telling you:
"I've heard exercise is great".
"Don't worry, you'll feel better soon".
"You just need to pull yourself together".
And my personal favourite: "just snap out of it, you've got such a nice husband/ children/ house/ job, other people are so much worse off".

The bitch about depression is that there is not necessarily a visible trigger (but yes, there often is a hidden one), someone who died, or some personal tragedy.
So there is no official "mourning period".
No people who take turns in cooking for you.

Just the overwhelming feeling of a completely joyless life, often combined with the shame of not being able to "will yourself out of it".

So, if you're one of the "Lucky Ones", imagine bottomless grief, sometimes causeless grief - and you're close to what depression feels like.

Now please, think again, whether those who suffer from it will benefit from your (well-meant) advice...