Blame or curiosity - a very different outcome

This article is about how we can change the way an argument goes, and its outcome.

Most of the time when we are dissatisfied with the way someone else has acted or spoken, we go straight into “blame mode” – telling the other what they have done wrong.

The result? Usually defensiveness. If someone is told they’ve messed up, they normally start defending themselves by saying why they were justified, or why we deserve whatever they’ve done or said. 

Very quickly this veers into an escalation of aggression “you did this!” – “yes, but you said that!”. Most people will agree that it rarely takes us to a desirable outcome.

I am suggesting to start the conversation from a position of curiosity, rather than blame.

What does that look like?

“I notice you said/did this. I wonder what is happening for you at that moment?”

Or “It looks like you are feeling strongly about this. Please tell me what is going on for you right now.”

Suddenly the other person can actually explain what is happening for them, how they’re maybe triggered, or are having a bad day, or just misspoke. 

We get to see their intentions, which most of the times are not aggressive, but rather serve to protect them or to take care of their fears.

It becomes not about us, but rather about understanding what is going on for the other. 

Suddenly we’re having a dialogue, rather than a shouting match.

When everything is said and done, all we want is to be understood, and to connect with others in a supportive way. This is what is being fostered here:

No blame = no need for defensiveness.

Curiosity = allowing for understanding.

Worth a try?

How to change your life in 5 minutes a day - yes, really!

I have mentioned before how our world view is strongly influenced by our focus: 

Look for dangers, see the dangers.

Look for wonderful things, see the wonderful things.

Most of my clients, for different reasons (attachment issues, trauma and/or depression), have a mind that actively looks for whatever could go wrong. Consequently they focus squarely on the bad stuff in life.

And that makes sense from an evolutionary perspective: when we grow up in a dangerous environment, survival means looking out for what we fear. Research has shown that trauma develops survival skills that are quite extreme. 

The only problem is – once we are not in a dangerous environment anymore, we can’t just switch off this hyper-vigilance. Our brain has been hard-wired for that, throughout our traumatic childhood and/or adult life. 

And getting stuck in survival mode is usually not conducive to a happy life. If I can’t trust anyone, I will struggle to build the meaningful connections all humans need to thrive.

The good news is that this is not a life sentence, thanks to brain plasticity (for a very good book on that, please read “The brain that changes itself” by Norman Doidge).

And there is a simple exercise that – if practised regularly – can help us rewire our brains to focus less on danger, more on the good things.

It’s the gratitude list. I’m sure you’ve all heard about it.

It’s startling in its simplicity: at the end of every day, take a few minutes to write down three things that you are grateful for. 

I know when you are stuck in depression, or PTSD, that sounds like a joke. “My life is so shit, there is nothing good about it”. But that isn’t the whole reality.

Yes, your work day might have been awful or repetitive. But the bus driver on the way there smiled and said “have a lovely day possum!”.

The neighbour’s cat came by to ask for pats.

Someone you know texted to ask how you are.

You tried out a new recipe and it actually was nice.

You ate a chocolate croissant that tasted divine.

The tree in front of your flat has started flowering.

You get the gist? Often small things. That we overlook when our focus is on all things sad or dangerous. 

By writing that list, every day, we get into the habit of paying attention also to the good stuff. 

We then might start noticing the little nice things even during the day: “that’s something I’ll put on the list tonight”. We stop seeing our life as just black, and start adding a few little patches of colour to it. 

We allow our brain to slip out of constant survival mode – and to slip into living.

For my clients who try it, it has a transformative effect. 

But like any exercise, it works best when practised regularly, until it (rather than survival mode) becomes second nature.

Like meditation it has the power to change our life by changing our brain.

You may want to try it - what do you have to lose?