Most of the time when we are dissatisfied with the way someone else has acted or spoken, we go straight into “blame mode” – telling the other what they have done wrong.
The result? Usually defensiveness. If someone is told they’ve messed up, they normally start defending themselves by saying why they were justified, or why we deserve whatever they’ve done or said.
Very quickly this veers into an escalation of aggression “you did this!” – “yes, but you said that!”. Most people will agree that it rarely takes us to a desirable outcome.
I am suggesting to start the conversation from a position of curiosity, rather than blame.
What does that look like?
“I notice you said/did this. I wonder what is happening for you at that moment?”
Or “It looks like you are feeling strongly about this. Please tell me what is going on for you right now.”
Suddenly the other person can actually explain what is happening for them, how they’re maybe triggered, or are having a bad day, or just misspoke.
We get to see their intentions, which most of the times are not aggressive, but rather serve to protect them or to take care of their fears.
It becomes not about us, but rather about understanding what is going on for the other.
Suddenly we’re having a dialogue, rather than a shouting match.
When everything is said and done, all we want is to be understood, and to connect with others in a supportive way. This is what is being fostered here:
No blame = no need for defensiveness.
Curiosity = allowing for understanding.
Worth a try?