Psychotherapy is like gardening

We all receive a garden when we are born - our mind. How that garden looks depends on what we received to start with, and on our experiences.

Some receive a large park, elegantly planted with tall trees and lovely shrubs, and an immaculate lawn; others receive only a small garden, with lots of rocks, barely any soil, on a sheer cliff-face.

We don't get to choose which one we receive. But we do get to choose what we make of it. Whether we were spoilt or not, it is the amount of time that we spend tending our garden that will make a difference.

For some, basic maintenance will be enough. For others, a lot of hard work will be necessary. All gardens though benefit from time spent tending them.

In my experience as a therapist, some of the most beautiful gardens I was privileged to see materialise over time seemed quite despairing at the beginning. They looked such a mess, so overgrown, with resentment, anger, grief, pain.

But the owners refused to let it lie that way. Every day, they plucked away at it, weeded it. Every week, they got an external gardener in for an hour (me) - not to do the gardening for them, but to help set general directions. It takes time, sometimes multiple seasons, until the garden is looking its best.

And what an achievement when it does take shape. Some rocks have been removed, others carefully integrated into the landscape. Every corner you look at, something grows, flowers, soothes the view.

Personally, I am a fan of Japanese gardens, which take into account the particularity of every rock, crooked tree, shrub, and plan the outline around all the existing. It's a personal preference. I can see the beauty in the garden of the Chateau de Versailles, but it doesn't speak to my heart.

I find beauty in the pain and hurt that has been overcome. To me, it is like a beacon of hope for others, still stumbling in the dark, struggling with life's messes.

Speak out, to others, about your struggles, those that you are still in, and those you have overcome. Show them your garden, imperfect yet beautiful. Share it with them. We will all be richer for it.

The biggest addiction of all - yes, odds are that you have it too

This is the biggest addiction scourge known to the western world - and you probably have it too.
Have you guessed it yet?
Caffeine.

Ever been jittery, or irritable, or downright cranky in the morning before you get your first shot?
Or worse, that pounding headache, or even migraine, if you don't get your first cup early enough?
Yep, those are withdrawal symptoms.

Why not though? Why not get this lovely hit every morning, every afternoon, when it's so cheap?
Now that's a philosophical question that I would like to look at more closely.

What could possibly be wrong with getting your neuronal stimulation through ingesting "uppers"?
Or to phrase it differently, what could you be missing out on by doing that?

Let's look at why and when you use it. The first few times you take it, the hit is almost overwhelming. You have this endless energy, so much so that you even literally shake. Your mind feels clearer, and sharper.

Over time though, like any highly addictive substance you need to take more and more to achieve the same effect, and soon all you're doing is drinking coffee to ward off the withdrawals. The kick doesn't come anymore, unless you multiply the dosage. Hence the offering of your local dealer: double and even triple shots.

Soon if you don't take care, you're drinking 5 cups a day, and barely feeling any effect. That's a few thousand dollars a year that you spend just on avoiding withdrawals.

That's tonnes of landfill of disposable paper cups, plastic lids and metal coffee pods. That's financing the slavery of coffee farmers who get only a pittance for their back-breaking work (unless you systematically buy fair-trade). Or it's financing the indecent profits of Coca-Cola, Pepsi and co.

I wouldn't mind it so much if in the end, we were not just feeding an addiction, avoiding withdrawals, trying to keep ourselves on the normal level, the stimulation effect non-existent by now because we chase a high that's not achievable any more due to addiction (in the same way  heroin-addict will chase the memory of the first "hit" at the beginning, and soon only try to alleviate the withdrawal symptoms).

I wouldn't mind it so much if it didn't make it easier for us to put up with a boring job or not enough sleep, thereby taking away our motivation for finding more interesting work, or more hours to sleep.

My argument is that like any addiction, it is pointless. After the early effect, we only get an imaginary effect from it, namely overcoming symptoms that were created by its ingestion in the first place...

If it's the ritual you crave, by all means, take a break and have a cup of (non-caffeinated) tea - and don't forget the 2-minute mindfulness exercise that goes with it!


***Disclaimer: I have battled my own caffeine addiction for years - mostly being "clean" but relapsing every couple of years...

The Affection Bank

We all have an account at the Affection Bank. It's mainly a deposit account, but from which withdrawals also can be made. Let me explain what I mean.

Our well-being is fuelled in great parts by what our environment gives us or the way it reflects us.
Every time we get a compliment, a pat on the back, a hug, a praise, a tender touch, or simply a look of love or a smile, our account at the Affection Bank gets a deposit.

Eventually we reach a level where we feel good about ourselves, when our account there is full. It's the ideal place where we have plenty to give to others: love, affection, time, patience.

That level differs for everyone - for people with good self-esteem, it takes less time to reach that level, because self-esteem means half the account already filled; for those less fortunate, it takes longer.

Conversely, every time we experience a negative, we draw on the account to make up for it. "Three people think I'm cool, one doesn't like me, I'm still ok".

Everything that shakes our emotional well-being draws on our account. It can be an argument, or a nasty word, a physical blow, or simply the loss of someone dear to us.

Where things get difficult, is when those events multiply, and the account gets close to zero. Then we start feeling anxious. We don't feel good about ourselves anymore, and we frantically look around us to get some positive reinforcement. We may actually become agitated or even unpleasant in the process, as would a very hungry person who can see the food but not reach it.

Whereas depression means that when your account is not quite full, but not necessarily empty, every time you check your balance it tells you "zero".

Why am I talking about this? Because it is important to realise what part positive feedback plays in our lives, how we depend on it; also that we can deposit for others, the ultimate in "paying it forward". This might be take the shape of reaching out, to reassure and get reassured that even though our Affection Bank account might be close to empty, we're still loveable and loved.

Who will you make a deposit for today?
Or even better, for how many people can you make a deposit today?