The Peanut Theory

I was told "the Peanut Theory" a few years ago, but unfortunately I don't remember by whom, so can't give credit. The theory says that there is a little part of the brain, the size and the shape of a peanut, which we use to imagine what someone else is thinking.

Now whether that is a metaphor or a reality isn't the point here - what does matter is that we (humans) spend an inordinate amount of time imagining the things we don't know.

As so often, there is an evolutionary reason of that: those of our ancestors who spent time trying to predict outcomes were more likely to survive and reproduce than those who just "went for it".

The biggest change that has occurred though since the Stone Age is that our world has increased thousandfold in complexity. The amount of information that we have to try and juggle, in order to make good, rational decisions, is near unfathomable.

So we just supplement whatever information we are missing with some good guesses. No issue about that, except that our guesses are of course a projection of our own brain.

What happens in relationships? We will input the way we see ourselves to explain others' behaviours. A few examples, before it gets too dry and boring:

• Your best friend hasn't returned your texts or calls for the last 3 days; you immediately start racking your brain on how you might have offended her. Your peanut is talking. Rational thinking is discarded in favour of emotional thinking (an oxymoron if there ever was one). Other explanations, like the one that she may simply be really busy, don't even make it to the surface.

• You have suffered abandonment in your childhood, and have developed an over sensitive radar for anything that could be construed as such. Whenever you don't have all the information, you're likely to supplement it with theories that centre around abandonment. Your partner being short with you (due to stress at his/her work for example) will likely be construed as him/her having enough of you. 

• You're waiting to hear back from a job interview - if you have experienced a lot of rejections, you will imagine that you have been unsuccessful. If you had mostly positive experiences, you will imagine that you haven't heard back because they're putting together a job offer for you.

So how can the Peanut Theory help us better understand the world around us?
By reminding us to check our assumptions about what other people are thinking, and becoming aware that they are only that: assumptions.

A good question to ask yourself is "do I know this? Or do I imagine I know this?".

How well developed is your peanut?
Are you aware of it when your peanut is getting a work-out?

Procrastination and its hidden usefulness

I am a world-champion procrastinator. Anything that has a deadline will be started only at the shortest possible time before it's due and when a half-way decent job is still achievable.

I have beaten myself up over it, and surprise surprise, so have my friends, family, and anyone who had to live through a few hours of me frantically trying to finish the job/assignment/whatever on time.

Oh, and I'm 43 - an old hand really. You'd think that by now I'd "have grown up" and picked up good habits etc.

Well here comes the crunch: I'm actually convinced that procrastination serves a purpose. Otherwise those with the gene (it MUST be genetic - at least that's my excuse) would have died out - "oh, I'll feed my baby later, once I've finished thinking about how I might hunt down that mammoth".

The thing is, when I do procrastinate, I will think about what I have to do. In detail. Mapping it out. The problem will be thought through and the different options explored, down to what could go wrong and what are the alternatives.

So whilst I'm seen to do nothing about the job at hand, my mind is actually processing it in the background. Quite efficiently it seems.

Because by time the deadline looms, and I have to sit down to actually do the job, I somehow know exactly what needs to be done, in what order, where to look for research, and what words to use if the job is about writing.

So maybe procrastination is not laziness, or lack of willpower. Maybe it's just a different form of preparation.


P.S. Unfortunately none of this applies to procrastinating about going to sleep.
Hello insomnia!

Sex addiction - reality or convenient fiction?

Who hasn't wondered whether sex addiction is even "a thing" when we hear about yet another celebrity couple breaking up due to "his/her sex addiction"? Who hasn't thought that it might have been more a choice of unfaithfulness?

My practice has taught me differently. Yes, it is possible that sex addiction is invoked to cover your garden-variety infidelity, but that doesn't mean it can't be a real addiction.

If addiction is about repressing unpleasant emotions, distracting us, then sex is a prime candidate for that. Whilst we line up the next "hit" - in this case the next sexual partner - our brain is kept very busy, as sex (as in reproduction) has been hard-wired into us for the survival of our species.

Then there is the multitude of feel-good chemicals released by our brains during sex. What is there not to get addicted to?

Once again, when confronted by a scenario of a client having repeatedly sex with near-strangers, I apply my litmus test: what is the motivation? What is he trying to get away from? Is it about fun, or is it compulsive to the point of risking health, relationships and job? When does it happen? What is the link with stress and anxiety?

Answers to all those questions will give me a good indication whether we are looking at an addiction problem.

Now I'm well aware that I'm indicating that sex-addicts are male. Sex-addiction happens to women too, but it is not diagnosed quite as often for them. In my private practice, which is of course not a representative sample, I have definitely seen more men with that problem.

How can you "cure" it?
Like with every other addiction, it starts with awareness. When does it happen, why does it happen, what does it cover up? What emotions are being avoided?

The next stage is about breaking the habit - avoiding the places that trigger the behaviour (and those can be on the internet, in bars, red light districts, "massage" parlours... the list is very long, and will vary for each individual).

The last stage is about letting those emotions out into the open, slowly and carefully examining them, and finding healthier ways to cope with them.

I hear you ask: why cure such a "fun" addiction?

Because the sex in sex addiction is at the opposite end of the spectrum of intimacy. There is no "closeness" created by it. In the short to medium term, the more we bodily interact, the more deserted our emotional landscape becomes.

Because in the end, we are all herd-animals. We have an innate need to belong. And sex for its own sake does not offer us that.


Enjoyed this article? You may like this one on infidelity.

Madame Bovary - a social commentary on infidelity

Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert is one of those much-cited, seldom-read novels.
I did read it. About 25 years ago.

It's the quintessential story of a woman who gets married, is dissatisfied with her life, takes one lover then another, convinced they can offer her a better life, and when cast away by them, commits suicide. Her husband dies of grief, and their daughter ends up in poverty.

Put like this, one wonders why it should be read, and why so much has been made of this novel...
Well, for one, it is superbly written. Its style is realism - the opposite of a romantic novel - and that makes it so modern, even today.

Then there is a brilliant social commentary to be found in it: how Emma Bovary's unfulfilled social aspirations ultimately cause her downfall. A theme that is still very topical today. And something that I often hear from my clients.

The bigger the discrepancy between our desires and our life, the less satisfied we are with the latter. In today's world, we are told that we should expect happiness, desire, possessions, that we are entitled to them. Today the entertainment industry (movies, songs, the internet, and to a lesser extent books) shows us what "real life" should be like. Back in Flaubert's time, novels, preferably romantic ones, taught the middle classes what to desire...

Esther Perel puts it nicely, when she says that affairs are less about the person we cheat with, and more about our self as we see it reflected in their eyes. For Emma Bovary, it's about who she is with her lover, the potential she sees of her own life; but of course her life comes down crashing when she is rejected - being not worthy in her lovers' eyes means to her that she is not worthy full stop.

That is always the problem, not only about unfaithfulness: when our value depends on outside appraisals, that value is the opposite of "self-esteem".

Now imagine if you could see yourself as a lover would, without having to resort to an affair; if you could love yourself with the same passion and generosity. In some ways, that is also what therapy is about: to teach you how loveable you are, and that you deserve to be treated well by others - and first and foremost by yourself.

Child abuse and "stranger danger"

As parents, we spend our time teaching our kids to be wary of strangers. Yet I think we are ignoring the forest for all the trees, because most child abuse (over 80%) isn't inflicted by strangers, but by people the children already know.

In my private practice I see adults who have survived sexual abuse as a child. And for none of them the abuser was a stranger. Instead it was the uncle, the tennis coach, the son of the cleaner, the baby-sitter, the father, the neighbour, the teacher, the brother - all had one thing in common: the child trusted them.

Now I don't think that the answer to this is to demonise all men, as we have seen when airlines don't let single men (stranger danger anyone?) sit next to children on a plane.

But rather, one of the things we can do is to raise awareness, both in children and in adults. It is about teaching children what adults are allowed or not allowed to do, and that the child is entitled to say "NO".

My friends often look at me in disbelief when I say I don't let my daughter go on sleep-overs. I in turn look at them in disbelief when they let their child go and sleep at a stranger's house just because the children happen to be friends and it's their birthday. I am quite sure that none of my friends are child-molesters. But is "quite sure" good enough when it comes to my children's safety? Not for me.

So I often am the one who raises the uncomfortable topic. As I am doing today.

One in three girls and one in six boys will be sexually abused in some way before the age of 18 years according to a study by Australian Institute of Criminology from 1993 as cited here.

By all means, do tell your children not to follow any adults they don't know. But also let them know that it is not ok for anyone to touch them inappropriately (I know, not a great chat to have), even when it is someone they like. And that if it does happen, that it is not ever their fault, and that they are safe to tell you, even when made to promise not to.

Another article specifically about male adults survivors of childhood sexual abuse can be found here.