Who hasn't wondered whether sex addiction is even "a thing" when we hear about yet another celebrity couple breaking up due to "his/her sex addiction"? Who hasn't thought that it might have been more a choice of unfaithfulness?
My practice has taught me differently. Yes, it is possible that sex addiction is invoked to cover your garden-variety infidelity, but that doesn't mean it can't be a real addiction.
If addiction is about repressing unpleasant emotions, distracting us, then sex is a prime candidate for that. Whilst we line up the next "hit" - in this case the next sexual partner - our brain is kept very busy, as sex (as in reproduction) has been hard-wired into us for the survival of our species.
Then there is the multitude of feel-good chemicals released by our brains during sex. What is there not to get addicted to?
Once again, when confronted by a scenario of a client having repeatedly sex with near-strangers, I apply my litmus test: what is the motivation? What is he trying to get away from? Is it about fun, or is it compulsive to the point of risking health, relationships and job? When does it happen? What is the link with stress and anxiety?
Answers to all those questions will give me a good indication whether we are looking at an addiction problem.
Now I'm well aware that I'm indicating that sex-addicts are male. Sex-addiction happens to women too, but it is not diagnosed quite as often for them. In my private practice, which is of course not a representative sample, I have definitely seen more men with that problem.
How can you "cure" it?
Like with every other addiction, it starts with awareness. When does it happen, why does it happen, what does it cover up? What emotions are being avoided?
The next stage is about breaking the habit - avoiding the places that trigger the behaviour (and those can be on the internet, in bars, red light districts, "massage" parlours... the list is very long, and will vary for each individual).
The last stage is about letting those emotions out into the open, slowly and carefully examining them, and finding healthier ways to cope with them.
I hear you ask: why cure such a "fun" addiction?
Because the sex in sex addiction is at the opposite end of the spectrum of intimacy. There is no "closeness" created by it. In the short to medium term, the more we bodily interact, the more deserted our emotional landscape becomes.
Because in the end, we are all herd-animals. We have an innate need to belong. And sex for its own sake does not offer us that.
Enjoyed this article? You may like this one on infidelity.
My practice has taught me differently. Yes, it is possible that sex addiction is invoked to cover your garden-variety infidelity, but that doesn't mean it can't be a real addiction.
If addiction is about repressing unpleasant emotions, distracting us, then sex is a prime candidate for that. Whilst we line up the next "hit" - in this case the next sexual partner - our brain is kept very busy, as sex (as in reproduction) has been hard-wired into us for the survival of our species.
Then there is the multitude of feel-good chemicals released by our brains during sex. What is there not to get addicted to?
Once again, when confronted by a scenario of a client having repeatedly sex with near-strangers, I apply my litmus test: what is the motivation? What is he trying to get away from? Is it about fun, or is it compulsive to the point of risking health, relationships and job? When does it happen? What is the link with stress and anxiety?
Answers to all those questions will give me a good indication whether we are looking at an addiction problem.
Now I'm well aware that I'm indicating that sex-addicts are male. Sex-addiction happens to women too, but it is not diagnosed quite as often for them. In my private practice, which is of course not a representative sample, I have definitely seen more men with that problem.
How can you "cure" it?
Like with every other addiction, it starts with awareness. When does it happen, why does it happen, what does it cover up? What emotions are being avoided?
The next stage is about breaking the habit - avoiding the places that trigger the behaviour (and those can be on the internet, in bars, red light districts, "massage" parlours... the list is very long, and will vary for each individual).
The last stage is about letting those emotions out into the open, slowly and carefully examining them, and finding healthier ways to cope with them.
I hear you ask: why cure such a "fun" addiction?
Because the sex in sex addiction is at the opposite end of the spectrum of intimacy. There is no "closeness" created by it. In the short to medium term, the more we bodily interact, the more deserted our emotional landscape becomes.
Because in the end, we are all herd-animals. We have an innate need to belong. And sex for its own sake does not offer us that.
Enjoyed this article? You may like this one on infidelity.