BREXIT - or what happens when people get emotionally manipulated

"BREXIT" is a great example of what happens when people get emotionally manipulated: they make irrational decisions based on fiction rather than fact.

Numbers have been thrown around by both sides, some of which were made up completely.
And this is how it works, thanks to confirmation bias: we choose and interpret whatever "facts" we're given so they confirm our existing beliefs.

The consequences are rather dire on a political level, as this is basically how propaganda has worked in history; let's repeat falsehoods, aloud, lots of times, with conviction, until they become "true".

The past is full of examples - Hitler's Germany, Stalin's USSR - who relied on only the radio, newspapers and television to indoctrinate.

Today, there are more channels, to which we are exposed for more hours a day. One of the most insidious ways our confirmation bias is reinforced is through Google and Facebook: they study which searches we do, which articles we click on, or like, and the next time the results/newsfeed will offer us more of what they know we like.

And there we go - we do not receive neutral information anymore, we get what Google and Facebook have algorithmically decided we "want" to see.

I feel like I'm living in Orwell's 1984.

How does this relate to my work as a therapist? Well, we all have confirmation bias in our personal lives too. It becomes especially visible when working with addiction or domestic abuse, how the "bad bits" get glossed over, and the rare good thing gets highlighted.

My work involves helping my client see the whole extent of their life - from an outside perspective.

I can hear you ask - but don't my clients get that outside perspective from all the other people in their lives, telling them what is good or bad, or what they should change?

Indeed my clients - everyone actually - do get an enormous amount of outside feedback, well-meaning advice etc.

Which is exactly what I do not do. I will not tell them what is good, or bad, or how they "should" change.

Because giving advice is not my job. My job is to hold up a mirror, in which they can see themselves, from an outside perspective, and to support them while they work out what they want to do differently.

And it is the most difficult bit of my work as a therapist: to not jump in, to not push or pull, to not rescue, but to instead to support my clients so they can find their own truth, their own way, in their own time.

So maybe the British people too would have benefited from more time looking at the reality, and checking facts, rather than letting the media tell them what and how to think...

Monogamy is like chocolate cake - every night.

What is your absolute favourite dessert? The one that makes your mouth water, even if you just ate a 5-course dinner? The one you would gladly get up for in the middle of the night, for one more bite?

Let's say it's chocolate cake - and not just any chocolate cake, but the particular recipe from this one patisserie across town... And one day, you win the lottery, and decide to get it delivered to your house, freshly baked, every night for dessert.

It's simply paradise, the harmony of aromas, the richness of the taste, the complexity of flavours. Oh how much you love it! Night after night, you are looking forward to it, and from the first spoonful it makes you swoon.

After a year or two, you still enjoy it very much. It is not quite as beguiling anymore, not quite as "new", but you're still very happy with the arrangement.

Your friends envy you, seeing you have the best dessert in town, or so it looks. And you are well aware how lucky you are. You never could have dreamed of anything better than that.

Ten years go by, and every night, you've had chocolate cake, the best in town. I bet that by now you may be thinking "yep, I love chocolate cake, it is still my favourite dessert, but oh, what wouldn't I give for a slice of lemon meringue pie..."

Marriage, when it comes with an side-serve of monogamy, is a little bit the same. You chose the best man or woman you could possibly imagine spending your life with, you have the best partner you could ever have wished for, so what could go wrong?

Desire is about seeing the other and being seen. How many of us stop seeing the most beautiful landscape in the world, just because we happen to live there? It is not so much taking it for granted as becoming blind to it.

Our brain is wired to notice changes, not sameness - a simple survival mechanism, using our brainpower where it is most needed. So, eventually, we notice the other less, they don't "stick out" anymore in our field of vision, having become (too) familiar.

So what can we do about this? Are we condemned to choke on our chocolate cake, give up on dessert, or as one of my friends jokingly suggested, marry someone new every 10 years?

I don't think we have to be that drastic. I believe that if we chose our partner wisely, they are still someone we really like, 10 years later. And if so, then it is worth working on our self to keep the romance alive. How?

By remembering what attracted us in the first place.
By becoming aware of their wonderful sides again.

By making an effort to remain attractive (this is not about Botox but rather the sort of effort we put into seducing the other - if tracksuit pants didn't feature prominently during your courtship, why would you think they are ok now?).

And, maybe most importantly, by talking about it.
Our desires, our hopes, our fantasies.
By making them a subject of conversation, like they were at the beginning.


If you enjoyed this post, you may like this one on Madame Bovary and infidelity.