Parenting - time to ditch the guilt

Today's post may be the most important one I'm writing for parents.

It is a reminder of what our children really need, because the message we hear from everywhere is that we cannot ever rest unless we are perfect parents; yet trying to do just that only sets us up to feel like we're always falling short, constantly failing.

The reality is that children need only 3 things:

• to be loved
• to be fed
• to have the opportunity to learn.

Full stop.

Oh, I can already hear the dissenting voices... what about music? what about sports? what about art?

Sure, if you have time and money to spare, and your kids are keen, there is nothing wrong with extra stuff. But please stop believing those are necessities - they are not. They are luxuries.

As for keeping them safe - which has also become an obsessional undertaking in our society - bear in mind that trial and error is a very important component of learning. Sure, it is a good idea to intervene when they start building home-made pipe rockets, or to keep an eye on them from afar at the playground, so they don't leave on their own. But getting hurt (not killed!) is not a bad thing - it's actually a most efficient learning tool.

Do I sound outrageous? I guess my work has given me a different perspective, hearing stories of unimaginable pain and abuse. When toilet training means chaining a toddler to a toilet for 36 hours. When a 5-year old has to forage in the streets for food. When an 11-year old is hooked on heroin.

So if you are a normal parent, one who loves and feeds your children, and keeps them safe and sends them to school, it's time to ditch the guilt: you are doing an excellent job.

Reaching out - a way to feel good inside again

Like everyone I go through ups and downs in my internal world (my life doesn't actually have that many ups and downs, yet you wouldn't know that looking at the emotional rollercoaster I'm sometimes on).

I have previously written on what it feels like to go through depression (I prefer to think of it as "going through" rather than "living with", as it has a less endless feel to it).

Today I would like to talk about what is helpful for me.
This is not a "pull yourself together and do all the right things" sort of post - this is a post on what does work, if you have the strength to implement it*.

Depression is a quintessentially lonely place. You feel small, vulnerable, sad, abandoned. So much so that it feels counterintuitive to reach out, as the little voice of depression whispers to you that you will be rejected, as you feel so unworthy of love and attention.

Yet, the only way to find out whether that voice is telling the truth, or showing you a mirage, is to reach out and find out for yourself. Screw the little voice. It serves itself only, its purpose is to keep you where it feels safe (and an awful place it is too).

What happens then? You pick up the phone, and talk to someone that in your previous state, the one where you functioned like everyone else, has been your friend. Someone close enough for you to be able to show your vulnerability, someone kind enough to tell the truth to: that you feel like you're dying inside.

The miracle is what happens next: you find out that you are loveable, that you are indeed loved. That you have been missed whilst you were away licking your wounds. That you are worthy of their time, their attention and their love.

You do this once, and you feel a little ray of hope. You do this twice, and you start realising that you have a network of friends, only waiting you offer you support, a helping hand, and most importantly, hope.

Hope that what you are going through does not have to be borne alone. That all this terrible angst, those horrible feelings are only that - feelings, not the reality of your life.

So reach out, if you can*, to those in your life who have been friends before the big fog descended on you. You will find out that even though you couldn't see them through the fog, they are still there, ready to show you the love that you have shown them.


* If you don't have the strength to reach out, you may find that anti-depressants can help you to get back to a place where you can function enough to do so.



To those of you who are lucky not to know what I am talking about, here is what you can do when a friend with depression reaches out to you: just be there for them, hold their hand, physically or metaphorically, because by that simple action you dispel the most awful lie that depression tells: the belief of the sufferer that he is all alone. 

Food: friend or foe? a quick insight into food addiction (and not a diet advice in sight)

I often get asked why it is easier for some people to quit smoking, even though nicotine is one of the most addictive substances on earth, than to stop over-eating.

The answer is relatively straightforward: it is easier to eliminate cigarettes from your day than eating because you simply cannot give up food.

So the reality is that three to five times every day, you have to go back to a substance that got you into trouble in the first place, and you're told in a not really helpful manner that you "just have to control your intake better". It is a hard job to to quit something that you need to survive.

What is the answer then, to overcome a food-addiction, as abstinence is just not possible?

One part is the management of the physical addiction.
The usual strategies apply, with a gradual reduction for example.
Then there needs to be a shift in your relationship with food, to go back to a more natural "food in response to hunger" approach. That also entails re-introducing slow, conscious eating in lieu of fast scoffing down whilst working or watching TV.

Another part is the emotional addiction, when we eat not to satisfy our body's need for fuel, but rather to reward ourselves, or soothe ourselves, or to replace a feeling of emotional emptiness by a feeling of physical fullness.

In the same way as festive alcohol is about sharing a good time, eating good food with good friends is highly unlikely to get you addicted. Think of the difference of having a Nutella Crêpes party with friends as opposed to eating Nutella out of a jar on your own at 1am.

My one tip? If you want to eat something that is supposed to be "bad for you" (though I don't subscribe to that terminology), you might as well enjoy it. Think of all the ways you can describe it, eat it slowly, smell it, taste it, and relish it. Do it sitting down at the table, from a nice plate, with the lights on. Better even, get a friend to share it with you.

Why go through all that trouble? Because the more you deprive yourself, the more you will obsess about it - and that obsession will drive you to over-indulge.

For the emotional eater, it might be useful to take some time to find out what you are trying to replace with food. Love? company? self-esteem?

My role as a therapist is to support you to find other ways, your way, to fill those needs.