The price we pay for wearing a mask

We all wear masks. We all have ways to present a face to the world - a brave face, a pretty face - that we think is an improvement on our real face.

If we pretend we're more fierce than we really are, it may convince other people to not even try to attack us.

If we pretend we're meek and mild, and hide the lion inside us, people may not feel threatened by us and will leave us alone.

If we pretend to be happy and easy-going, maybe no-one will see the pain we're hiding, and so people won't trample our vulnerabilities.

Can you see a pattern? We put on a mask to keep safe.

What are the consequences though? The unintended ones?
Well, we may get so used to our mask that we don't take it off anymore. We face all the people in our lives, friend and foe, with that same mask.

It will keep people at arm's length. No threatening enemies. But also no-one getting really close.

If safety is the pay-off we get for wearing a mask, intimacy is the price we pay. Because if we don't show our vulnerable side to those we love, we don't allow them to get close.

By pretending that all is always "fine", we don't let anyone into our real world - a world in which sadness may be a visitor, just like joy, happiness or worry.

Want to do something different? Try taking it off, starting with the people who make you feel good about yourself.

The subtle balance of our needs

According to some smart thinkers, our psychological needs are threefold: we want security, identity and stimulation. And in many ways, it is difficult to get all three right at the same time in our primary relationships (a little bit like the tenet that goods can indeed be produced cheaply, quickly and well - but only ever two of those at the same time).

Security: it's the most self-explanatory one.
We need to feel secure in our relationships. We want to know our partner really well. We want their love to be ever-present, we want them to always be there for us and to be "in our corner" if we fight with others. It definitely also means to be physically safe when we are with them.

Identity: for this one, different concepts come together.
Our identity is how we think about ourselves. It can refer to our family status (daughter, mother, wife, sister), our professional status (what we do), our origins, and religion etc. We do all have a need to be recognised for our self and to be satisfied with that.
In my case, the descriptor "suburban wife & mother of 2" is true, yet I don't feel it represents me in a meaningful way. I prefer to think of myself as "intellectual book and cat-loving psychotherapist, married with 2 children".
You have perhaps noticed that my chosen descriptor shows my identity more according to my taste and less to who I am relative to other people. I just happen to have a strongish sense of individuality*. I understand that for some others, the descriptor "wife and mother" could be those most wished for. I see that as a choice everyone gets to make according to their own desires in terms of identity.

Stimulation: that may well be the tricky one, as it often comes at the expense of security.
We as the human race do not like boredom. We invented games, and entertainment, because repetitiveness eventually becomes tedious. If you got served your absolute favourite food every day, you would eventually crave something - anything! - different.
It was probably hard-wired into us as a mechanism for survival - those who continuously learnt new things had more chances to survive in the wild.

So how do we balance those three things? How do we make sure that our need for security does not mean we lead an unstimulated life? Or that our need for excitement doesn't jeopardise our safety? How do we lead a fulfilled life, where we know who we are, and yet remain open to change?

Maybe there is no answer, no perfect balance.
Maybe the best outcome we can hope for is one where we know about our needs for identity, security and stimulation and we simply decide to not neglect any of them. Like a three-legged race - you can only run if you find a way to move forward in unison.

My suggestion for reflection is to ask yourself: "which one of those needs is so important to me that I am willing to compromise the others? Is is lacking in my life? Or have I been conditioned to seek for it at the expense of the others?"


* (there will be a blogpost eventually about our opposing needs for fusion and individuality that battle it out in all of us)

Depression - a view from the inside

There is an insidiousness about depression.
Like a fog that slowly, discretely descends unto a city, imperceptible at first, slowly thickening, until it's so opaque it has blanketed everything and visibility is reduced to zero.

It often starts off with shapeless feelings of being inadequate, sometimes triggered by the outside - rejection, loneliness, grief, failure, powerlessness - and sometimes bubbling up from the inside.
By the time those feelings take form, they have become words - a stream of words saying "I'm not good enough".

This is the moment when people who do not suffer from depression would reach out to their friends, their family, to reassure themselves about their lovability, their worthiness, and to feel less alone.

But that's where depression is a bitch. It saps all self-esteem. All feelings of self-worth. Depression whispers to us "Your friends are happy, they don't care. No-one wants to listen to a sad person"; so we don't reach out.

Non-depressed people would console themselves with nice food, or a beautiful sunset. Depression instead cuts our appetite, makes everything taste bland, the same. The sunset? how can we care about the sunset when all we feel inside is one big emptiness...

Life is grey, shapeless, loveless, worthless. That's what it looks like to someone who suffers from depression. To tell them "just snap out of it" is like telling someone who has lost a limb to "just grow it back". When we are inside, we cannot even SEE the outside, let alone try to reach it.

So what can you do when you know someone struggles with depression?
Well, first of all they need your love. They need to be told that you are there for them, in words but also in deeds.

A hug - proper human contact - is a great place to start. A phone call, an email, to show them they are not forgotten, not lost, and that the outside not only exists but reaches for them.

Make time for them. Sure, they may not be the best company right now, but someone to hold their hand, to offer a shoulder to cry on could be a life-saver.

They may benefit from medication. A friendly GP goes a long way. If you know a good one, offer to take them there.

For some people suffering from depression, when they start making their way out of it, therapy can be helpful, to explore where those thoughts and feelings of worthlessness come from, and to analyse them rationally and to dispute them as they mostly are not based on reality. And to work on small steps to reintroduce joy into their life.

For those of us who are suffering right now, all I can say is please hang on.
You are loved. You are needed. You are not alone.
Your life will be worth living again.
Please reach out.

charlotte.stapf@yahoo.com
www.blackdoginstitute.org.au
www.beyondblue.org.au