According to some smart thinkers, our psychological needs are threefold: we want security, identity and stimulation. And in many ways, it is difficult to get all three right at the same time in our primary relationships (a little bit like the tenet that goods can indeed be produced cheaply, quickly and well - but only ever two of those at the same time).
Security: it's the most self-explanatory one.
We need to feel secure in our relationships. We want to know our partner really well. We want their love to be ever-present, we want them to always be there for us and to be "in our corner" if we fight with others. It definitely also means to be physically safe when we are with them.
Identity: for this one, different concepts come together.
Our identity is how we think about ourselves. It can refer to our family status (daughter, mother, wife, sister), our professional status (what we do), our origins, and religion etc. We do all have a need to be recognised for our self and to be satisfied with that.
In my case, the descriptor "suburban wife & mother of 2" is true, yet I don't feel it represents me in a meaningful way. I prefer to think of myself as "intellectual book and cat-loving psychotherapist, married with 2 children".
You have perhaps noticed that my chosen descriptor shows my identity more according to my taste and less to who I am relative to other people. I just happen to have a strongish sense of individuality*. I understand that for some others, the descriptor "wife and mother" could be those most wished for. I see that as a choice everyone gets to make according to their own desires in terms of identity.
Stimulation: that may well be the tricky one, as it often comes at the expense of security.
We as the human race do not like boredom. We invented games, and entertainment, because repetitiveness eventually becomes tedious. If you got served your absolute favourite food every day, you would eventually crave something - anything! - different.
It was probably hard-wired into us as a mechanism for survival - those who continuously learnt new things had more chances to survive in the wild.
So how do we balance those three things? How do we make sure that our need for security does not mean we lead an unstimulated life? Or that our need for excitement doesn't jeopardise our safety? How do we lead a fulfilled life, where we know who we are, and yet remain open to change?
Maybe there is no answer, no perfect balance.
Maybe the best outcome we can hope for is one where we know about our needs for identity, security and stimulation and we simply decide to not neglect any of them. Like a three-legged race - you can only run if you find a way to move forward in unison.
My suggestion for reflection is to ask yourself: "which one of those needs is so important to me that I am willing to compromise the others? Is is lacking in my life? Or have I been conditioned to seek for it at the expense of the others?"
* (there will be a blogpost eventually about our opposing needs for fusion and individuality that battle it out in all of us)