Pain is what brings people to me.
Sometimes it's straight-forward pain, seeking help on how to deal with grief, loss or trauma; sometimes it's hidden pain, pain that has been pushed under for a very long time, and is resurfacing under the guise of anxiety or addiction.
Emotional pain can be so unbearable that we look for ways to dull it. As always, there are healthy and unhealthy ways to do that. But it seems that avoiding the pain altogether is not a good idea.
When we use the pain to connect to other people, when we create something out of it, we are more likely to come out of it at the other end relatively unharmed.
But what I really want to talk about today, is how feeling the pain is actually part of the recovery process from whatever it is that hurt us.
In the case of pain because of abuse or violence, its purpose is to tell us to "get out", to avoid those situations, and to become aware of patterns that harm us.
In the case of grief, having lost someone, the pain reminds us of the love we shared, of the things we did together, of the conversations we've had. It is a reminder of all the good, all the beautiful; and yes, it hurts terribly not to have them anymore, but see - how lucky are we to feel that, to have loved and been loved so well that we have something so big to miss!
So part of my work with clients around the issues of grief and loss are about trying to make sense, to see the meaning of those relationships, good or bad, and how they can grow from them.
It is about seeing that despite the fact that they may have missed out on their childhood because of violence or abuse, they not only survived, but became strong because of it.
Or how, when we lose a loved one, it can be an opportunity to reflect on how well we were loved.
And maybe, just maybe, it can also be an opportunity to reflect on how we can love more widely, better, how we can add to the lives of others, in a pure and selfless way, so we leave a faint trace after us, that continues to glow, long after we are gone.