The 3 types of intimacy - let's talk about sex! (and the other types)

"Intimacy" is a close connection between two people. There are three types of it, and their presence, absence and interplay lead to different types of relationships. Let me define them.

The first type of intimacy is mental, intellectual, spiritual - I'm talking about the intimacy of the mind. It is that wonderful space where you can share what goes on in your internal world, in your brain, with someone who not only listens, but actually "gets" you. It doesn't mean you have to necessarily agree with each other, but there is a profound interest in and respect of the other's thoughts.

This form of intimacy is usually present between good friends - that lovely feeling of being able to say what is going on inside yourself, and also discovering another person's internal world. Ideally it comes without any judgement (but we are human - let's strive for it, but not beat ourself up if we don't reach that ideal).

The second form of intimacy is physical touch (of a non-sexual nature). This type of intimacy can often be found between family members (hugging, holding hands) and with your pets (snuggling with my cat definitely qualifies in my eyes lol). Sometimes also between good friends - this is when we talk about a close or intimate friendship.

The third form of intimacy is sexual. But don't get mistaken, not all sexual contact will qualify as intimate,  I think there needs to be a desire to give and (or) receive for it to be truly intimate.

According to the brilliant book "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch, when there are issues in the sexual intimacy within a couple, it is often due to resentments about one or both of the other forms of intimacy - i.e. if you don't feel "heard" you may feel less inclined to engage in sexual intimacy, and similarly if there is an absence of tenderness.

What it boils down to is that one or more forms of intimacy have to be present for a relationship to last - otherwise it is solely a partnership of convenience; and that will only last for as long as there is whatever goal to be achieved (study-buddies, going-out-only friends, and some couples who stay together "for the kids" or to save on rent are all examples of relationships without intimacy).

There are many ways to meet your needs for intimacy. I am particularly privileged because my work is one of the most intimate experiences (of the mind only!) that I have lived. When someone opens their entire internal world to me, with all the trust that implies, the connection is as close as you can get to someone without touching them. And for some of my clients, it is their only source of intimacy, and sometimes even their first - and that trust they give me I treat as sacred...

How Fear keeps us safe - and imprisoned

Fear is one of the strongest emotions.
It is the ultimate survival instinct.
Its purpose is very clear: to keep us safe from danger.

Like all emotions, it gives us feedback on what is going on in our environment, in order to help us recognise threats and protect ourselves from them.

Fear triggers some of the most powerful responses: fight, flight or freeze.

Most of these responses were highly appropriate when faced with a tiger (flight, preferably up a tree), a hyena (fight - if it is only one hyena, not a clan) or a bear (freeze - play dead).

In our modern, highly safe and sanitised world though, these responses can often be excessive, inappropriate or simply don't work. Also, there is a choice to be made between the three reactions engendered by fear, and we don't always get it right.

Freeze is a common response in cases of domestic violence or sexual assault - when flight or fight might be safer options.
Fight is a usual reaction when being provoked - which might get you a jail term.
Flight is often used in cases of conflict, when standing your ground might get you a better outcome.

Fear asks us to "play it safe".
Safe was the only good option for cavemen, but in today's world, we don't want just to be safe, we also want to be happy, in our relationships and work.

Safe is not going to be enough. Safe is "no risk, no gain". Safe means not changing, because it feels familiar, and "better the devil you know", right?

Safe means not choosing the best option, but the one that doesn't challenge us or the one that triggers us the least. Can that possibly be why we are here on this earth? To endure and defend the status quo?

In my opinion - no.
I like to think we are here to become the best version of ourself, in the limited time we have (and better start now, because we don't know when that time runs out), as well as changing our world, be it human or environmental, for the better.

Are you ready to face your fears, to decide for yourself which ones help keep you safe, and which ones hold you back? That is one of the questions I help my clients to find their own answers for.

Are you truly generous?

I hope it is safe to say that most of us try to be giving.

We give our time, to listen, to care, to help, or just to be there. And sometimes to say "no".
We give our money or possessions to look after those we love, and for some of us, even to those we don't know personally.

And we get something in return.
I don't mean gratitude - that is actually often not included in the deal.

But we get this feeling inside ourself, this warm and fuzzy feeling, of giving freely and out of love.

I truly believe that for most of us, we like making others feel good about themselves and in turn, that makes us feel good about ourselves.

Some are better at giving than others. Some are world champions in giving.
I do hope you have some people like that in your life.

It doesn't matter how it is expressed, whether in their readiness to be there for you, their completely non-judgemental way of listening to you, or the way they cook or care for you.

But even they often have a flaw - they know how to give, freely, endlessly, but they may not know how to accept from others. And by always being the giver, they take away our opportunity to spoil them in return.

So, if you want to be truly generous, by all means, give as much as you can - but please remember to allow others to give to you as well, so they too can experience that lovely feeling of being generous.