We are all emotionally colour-blind

Do you know what colour-blindness is like?
You see things, just not like everyone else does. Things have a different "tinge".

It looks like we all are colour-blind, for the way we emotionally perceive the world and the people around us. Our emotional set-up, that was developed in our childhood and still is evolving now, colours the way we perceive others, and our relationships with them.

In some ways it goes hand in hand with the peanut theory: we "colour in" the blanks of what we don't know. We project. It is a way to deal with the unknown.

The problem is that our colour-blindness is different to everyone else's. We each experience the world in a slightly different, unique way.

So what we see as an inalienable and certain reality is in fact just our perspective, our take on "the Truth". And what we try to do, is to communicate as if everyone around us could see the same thing, could see in the same way as we do.

But they can't. We can't. They can't see things in our particular shade of colour-blindness, just as we can't see things in theirs.

So what can we do?

Maybe realise that we are all emotionally colour-blind. That the shade of the world as we see it is not reality, but our own individual perception of it.

Maybe accept that other people's perception is not less "right" than our own. That it is all about subjective perception, theirs and ours, each a unique shade of colour-blindness.

It's bloody hard of course. To accept that what we each perceive as an objective reality is after all only our own projection, prejudice and perspective.

But if we hang on to that fiction, that we are right, that there even is a "right", then that means the others have to be "wrong" if they don't see the world in the same colour - and then what chance do we have of ever connecting?

Australia has a "domestic" violence problem - and it's spilling over

What happened yesterday in Melbourne, and a couple of years ago in Sydney with the Lindt Cafe siege, is great violence, inflicted on innocents, by men guilty of domestic abuse.

I am sick of reading in the media each week about another woman who has been killed by her partner. I am even more sick to think of the even greater number of people living in fear and violence in their own homes, abused and beaten by their partners on a daily basis.

Or the brave ones who leave, only to be stalked, tracked down, and in too may cases, killed by their ex-partner, who cannot bear the thought of them finding happiness elsewhere.

And what is done about it?
Nothing, or so little that it makes barely a dent into the statistics.

We don't have a "terror attacks on home soil" problem. Not because extremists don't try. But because the government throws a lot of money at that particular issue. People are monitored, followed, and most of the time successfully apprehended before they can commit mass-murder.

Now compare that with domestic violence victims. First of all, if the wounds aren't visible, tough luck. In one fell swoop, unless you are lucky and there is someone knowledgable at your police station, financial abuse, psychological terror, complete control over who you are and aren't allowed to see are discounted.

And even for those with great physical wounds - gashes, bruises, strangle-marks - too many offenders get away without being sentenced to prison. Some government statistics can be found here.

So what am I saying? I am saying that domestic violence is not about domestic, it's about violence. Men and women who resort to violence on a regular basis as a means of getting what they want will not stop unless they are stopped.

There are some great programs for offenders, to teach them words to use instead of violence, to say "I don't like this" or "this hurts me". Because violent behaviour comes from somewhere, and there are things that can be done to help offenders too. But the reality is that they usually don't seek help or get offered help until it's too late.

I would like to see some of the anti-terror money funnelled into combatting domestic violence. Into offering more refuges for victims, rather than cutting the funding for them, as the Abbott government did. I would like offenders to be sentenced to get help if they're not sentenced to prison.

I would like to see violent offenders to be monitored in the same way as terrorist suspects. Because contrary to the latter who are only suspects, the former already have shown that they are capable of violence.

I would like us to stop talking about "domestic" violence.
I would like us to talk about "violence"- and how to stop it.

The motherhood myth

The motherhood myth is very simple: it states that having children is a woman's greatest achievement and most fulfilling experience.

I hear you say, "OK, what is wrong with that? If not completely true, isn't it at least a lovely statement of intention?".

My issue with it is this: we show an image of motherhood that is completely impossible to attain, preferably while adding "and of course women can/should also have a career at the same time" and then we sit on the sideline and watch them fail, whilst commenting "she must not have tried hard enough" or, my personal favourite, "she's not a natural mother".

So, let me debunk some aspects of the motherhood myth.

Pregnancy: for most of us, it doesn't mean a lovely glow and a tiny bump; it means looking fat, green from nausea, with some form of back pain, and a bladder that requires hourly emptying, even at night.

Birth: unless you sign up for the complete package with epidural, it is the most savage experience of your life. And I use the word savage on purpose. Like an animal. And the myth stating "you'll forget everything about it as soon as the baby is out"? Rubbish. If you had a traumatic birth, you're more likely to not have another child. Three years down the track you still remember every single bit of it. And if you don't, your torn perineum and leaking bladder will remind you.

Babies: they are so wonderful. If you feed them on demand, co-sleep, have a routine for their feeds, breastfeed (even if it literally kills you), use controlled crying, never leave them alone, make sure from the beginning they sleep on their own, they'll be the wonderful beings they show you in ads. Hang on, did I just tell you to do everything and its opposite?
Yes, I did. Welcome to the world of mothering advice. You are sure to fail.

I could go on and on.
The most insidious bit being that you are told it is possible, or even "normal" to raise a perfect child and to be perfectly happy whilst doing it. Preferably whilst also holding down a job. Where you get dirty looks because you need to leave at 5pm sharp to make the crèche/preschool/after school pick up deadline.

So what is left?
Yes, motherhood can be a rewarding experience.
And some mothers thrive on it like nothing else they've ever experienced before. But please, let's stop making mothers feel guilty, on top of everything else, for not falling in that small category.

Let's stop telling them they are "unnatural" for finding it boring to play blocks with a toddler, when they have a PhD in architecture; let's stop pointing at them when they lose their cool; in short, let's stop judging mothers against a set of criteria that are near-impossible to match.

How about we find compassion for them?
How about we ask them, respectfully, how they experience motherhood. How about we create a space where it's OK for them to say "yes, it's really tough, it's messy, no, I don't necessarily want to give them back, but some days, I fantasise about what my life would have been like had I remained childless"?

How about we make motherhood and fatherhood an individual experience again, not to be judged against some myth, but rather understood in the context of our world today, as never before in history the demands put on parents have been so high.

We cannot have perfect children.
We cannot be perfect parents.


P.S. For a scholarly yet readable book on the history of maternal instinct through the ages, read the excellent "The myth of motherhood" by Elisabeth Badinter (translated from the French "L'amour en plus").

Negative thoughts overwhelming you? Here's how to STOP them.

You know the moment.
When you go from thinking about something that went wrong to blaming yourself.
When you start off with "this sucks" and come to the conclusion "I suck" without realising it.

When you turn something over in your head, again and again, something that happened or was said, imagining what else you "should have said" or "should have done".

When you can't seem to escape the memory of trauma, the memory of hurt, replaying it and each time feeling the pain again.

It is easy to get caught up in this downwards spiral.

But there is a way out.
A simple way to STOP the thought train that rattles on at a 100 miles an hour, requiring only two simple steps:

1. Imagine a STOP sign. Yes, the one you see on streets.
But you need to imagine it vividly.
To picture it visually.
See it: red, hexagonal, the writing in white, bold capital letters.
When you can see it with your "mental eye", move to step two.

2. Say the word "STOP".
Say it aloud if you can, or just say it in your mind if you're not alone and don't want the people around you to look at you weirdly.

That's it.
Your thought train has stopped, you can now choose to move to think about whatever else you'd like - I usually use the opportunity to think about something positive (kittens always seem to work for me 😊)

Now, the first few times, this exercise feels quite artificial. But it works. The more you use it, the easier and quicker it becomes to stop negative thoughts in their tracks, before they even establish themselves.

For those interested in theory: this method comes from cognitive-behavioural therapy - not my usual set of tools, but hey, whatever works! The way it does the job is that it literally takes your neuronal activity from one area of your brain to another - you get a different set of neurones firing. I have used this method with my clients, even those suffering from severe post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), with great results and positive feedback.

Try it - and please let me know how it works for you!