Hands up who has repeatedly complained about the same thing to their partner/children?
Potentially over many years?
Yes, my hand is up too. I think we've all tried to change others by complaining which eventually turns into nagging (nagging is complaining even though you already know that it is pointless).
One reason we continue nagging is because we (mistakenly) think it gives us the moral high ground "I'm the good guy, you're the bad guy who still doesn't... never does... always does..." (fill in the blanks).
What it really does is making us unbearable.
So what can we do to change a recurrent situation? A lot actually. And it is linked to the "over-functioning / under-functioning model".
In all family systems, there are areas in which we over-function and others where we under-function. To a point, it is sensible division of labour, everyone does what they're best at. Until of course that sharing of the tasks is considered inequitable by one or both parties. We then tend to think that the situation will improve, if only the under-functioning person were to step up - cue to nagging them.
Now here comes the great revelation: the situation will actually only change if the over-functioning person steps down!
Yes, as long as you do it all - and so very well - and just complain about it, nothing will change.
In effect, you need to stop doing everything so perfectly, in order to give the other the opportunity to step up to the plate. It might feel counter-intuitive, but it works.
In my case, my partner has vastly higher expectations in the tidiness department. As long as he keeps it up, I don't see any opportunity to tidy up - everything is already very neat. Now if he were to let a slide for a bit, in effect if he stopped over-functioning, then I might see some mess, which would bother me after a while, and I would clean it up. I mean I do wash up what's in the sink, but sometimes it needs to be there for a day (or two) - something that never happens if he is around.
The same applies to children: if you keep telling them to clean their rooms, but then you tidy them yourself, guess why the nagging doesn't work...
Maybe that will be my new year's resolution: to stop nagging, to step down where I want help, to leave space for the other to step up. In return, if my partner reads my post (he doesn't always, I wonder why lol), I may just be given the opportunity to clean my act up - literally :)
So what is it that you always complain about to your partner?
Could you possibly be over-functioning? Might you possibly be setting the bar impossibly high?
How does "doing less" sound as a new year's resolution - less over-functioning, and hence less nagging?