I would like to talk about the "green-eyed monster" today: jealousy.
It is not an easy subject - it is not an easy emotion.
Jealousy is subtly distinct from envy.
Envy is "I'd like to have what you have".
Jealousy is "I don't want you to have what you have, it should be mine".
When does envy become jealousy? Usually when we think we are being deprived of something that should rightfully be ours.
In my work, I see people who struggle to overcome jealousy, even as they see how it is damaging their relationships. How is it damaging? Mostly because it comes with a side-serve of wanting to control someone else's life to an extreme degree.
In some ways the control that comes with jealousy makes it just another obsessive-compulsive disorder: in order to control our anxieties, we choose behaviours which give us the impression/illusion of keeping us safe. You can break down an OCD into several steps:
First comes the anxiety:
I'm scared of deadly diseases.
I don't want my father to die.
I'm scared my wife will leave me.
Then comes the mistaken belief (a form of superstition if you want):
If only I wash and disinfect my hands every single time I touch something, I won't catch anything.
If only I manage to walk to work without stepping on any cracks in the pavement, he will beat the cancer.
If only I can monitor everything my wife does, and prevent her from meeting any men whatsoever, she won't leave me.
This belief is reinforced every time that nothing bad happens, as we ascribe that "victory", that "phew, I'm still safe", to our obsessive behaviour.
But as always there is also a price to pay:
My hands are all raw and my skin is peeling off from being washed 250 times a day.
It takes me twice as long to get to work, I've been late a few times now, and people look at me in strange ways.
My wife really struggles with being controlled every minute of the day, and starts resenting me.
How can you stop the OCD? The answer is surprisingly easy, but includes a leap of faith (over the mistaken belief): cold turkey.
When you start not washing your hands all the time, and notice after a few days that you still haven't caught the bubonic plague.
When your father continues improving, even though you did step on cracks on your way to work.
When your wife hasn't left you, even though you have stopped checking her phone for messages from "other men".
If anything, in the case of jealousy, it is about becoming aware of the anxiety, and expressing it to your partner, making yourself vulnerable in the process rather than trying to build a wall around them.
The odds are, they will feel closer to you and have less reasons to leave you than when you were trying to control their every move.
Letting go might just be the only answer to anxiety that actually works...