I first met male survivors of childhood sexual abuse in my work for the St Vincent de Paul Society where I volunteered for a few years straight after graduating. I'm not sure I was well prepared for they told me, as nothing can prepare you for true stories of evil, but I knew enough to be able to listen to them in a way that showed them I truly heard them.
Not surprisingly alas, a large number of them came to counselling only indirectly because of what had happened to them in their childhood, even though it clearly had repercussions into their adulthood, but rather because they were struggling with addictions, usually to "substances", and for some of them that came hand-in-hand with stints in prison, either for crimes linked to substance-abuse, or for violence.
A few years later I read a wonderful and heart-breaking book by Stephen Grumman-Black called "Broken Boys/Mending Men". Himself a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, he recounts both his story and that of other survivors, covering key aspects of shame, confusion, betrayal, hope and healing. Both the extent and the variety of abuse, as well as the feelings of guilt that those innocent boys felt despite clearly being the victims, did still somehow surprise me.
By then my work had mostly moved to private practice, and more of my clients were seeking me out for addiction problems, and the majority of those were also telling me about the sexual abuse they suffered in their childhood. The link between trying to cope with the unbearable and eventually becoming addicted to the means of self-medication became quite clear to me.
Victims of childhood sexual abuse suffer complex trauma: it is repeated harm that was inflicted on them as children, mostly by a person they trusted, often someone very close. The trauma effects run deep: post-traumatic stress disorder, complete with flash-backs and nightmares, difficulties to trust anyone and long-term health issues are the norm.
I guess I am painting a bleak picture of what the lives of childhood sexual abuse survivors look like. Thank god, or rather thanks to the untiring work of some of them, help is at hand. Obviously therapy can be one of the ways to come to terms with it, and to help becoming a survivor rather than a victim.
But as importantly, if not more, there are people out there, like Craig Hughes-Cashmore and Shane McNamara from the Survivors And Mates Support Network ( www.samsn.org.au ) who are helping male survivors realise that they are not alone, and through group work and peer support offer a way out of the isolation, silence and shame. SAMSN also offers practical help and advice, and both Craig and Shane being abuse survivors themselves, means they truly understand and empathise.
If you have been sexually abused in your childhood, please do reach out. Nothing can change your past, but some support may just be all you need to make your present and future your own.
SAMSN in Sydney: 02 8355 3711