The choice we have to make at all times: connection or protection

At any given time, we are faced with a choice, whether we realise it or not: We can either 

• protect ourselves from harm, pain, risk 

• or turn towards others, make ourselves vulnerable, in order to connect with them.

It sounds like an easy, obvious choice at most times, doesn't it? If there's danger we protect ourselves, and if there isn't, we connect to others, right?

Except that our brain is in essence a filter, and the first and most stringent sieve all information goes through is about survival, which means making us aware of danger. 

So, equipped with a brain that allowed our species to survive from wild animals and poisonous berries, we now have to navigate the modern world. And, should we have gone through traumatic experiences at some stage of our life, that means the filter is highly sensitive (see also "the peanut theory").

That email that didn't get a response from your boss? Clearly he hates the work you do and is preparing to fire you. That text message left on "read" by your friend? You must have somehow offended her.

You get the gist. So what sounds like clear, easy choices are in reality heavily skewed by our internal filter, usually towards protection.

Turns out that our brain, so well developed to ensure our survival in a dangerous world, has not adapted to the modern world, where we are mostly safe from deadly risks like wild animals or the enemy tribe, and where our goal is happiness. 

And happiness, whatever your definition is - here is mine - is usually about connecting to others, with bonds of love, friendship or kinship.

So what does it take to override the protection bias of our brains, so we can connect more often?

As always, it starts with awareness. "I feel hurt, so I want to shut the door and not talk to them ever again. That would keep me safe... But wait, that would also keep me lonely, so what I really want is to feel connected to them - how can I do that? Is it really dangerous to reach out or am I just scared about what "might" happen, what they "may" be thinking?"

We do need our protective mechanism - it does keep us safe. 

But what I am suggesting here is that we don't just use it as an automatic response, but give ourselves back the possibility to connect instead, if we so decide, by becoming aware of the choice we have.

 

This article was partly inspired by this wonderful article by The Marginalian on the Four Buddhist Mantras we can use to choose connection over fear, and by my supervising therapist, who has the gift of making complex things simple.

"The BAD leg" - or how our mind can change our body

I was travelling recently and over the course of a few days my right foot started to hurt, quite badly, even when I was just lying down.

I didn't think about it too much at the beginning, but the pain only became worse with time, and I was quickly limping in pain instead of walking.

As I was visiting friends, one of them suggested to see his osteopath, but warned me "he'll see you for a whole hour, but the first half hour you'll just be talking". Great I thought to myself, I'll fix my foot AND get therapy for the same price!

And that's where it got interesting. As I was telling him what was going on, how my foot was hurting for no reason, I also told him that I wasn't surprised: after all this was my "bad leg", the one that always gave all sorts of trouble.

He listened, examined my foot and my leg, and told me there wasn't any injury he could see, but said he would try and relax my foot by gently massaging my lower leg and said words to the effect of "could I please think nicely about my leg during that time, telling it what a good job it was actually doing".

To cut a long story short, we did our respective parts and my foot stopped hurting when I put it back on the ground, and I could walk without pain. And the pain stayed away!

Now I don't think he did any miracles, but rather that my nice self-talk allowed me to relax enough to walk normally again, which in turn stopped the pain. Great outcome, right?

Now this is a slightly fantastic story already (at least for my inner rationalist), but it gets better!

I'm back at home, and I meet a very good friend of mine who is limping badly and clearly in a lot of pain from his Achilles tendon. He's seeing a physio, doing exercises, but he can barely walk. I tell him my story, and he listens, clearly slightly doubtful of my sanity...

Two days later I speak to him over the phone and he tells me "you know what, I was so desperate about the pain I was in, I started talking to my foot, telling it nice things, and bizarrely - the pain went away nearly completely!"

I had to laugh, because that particular friend is even more of a rationalist than I am! Of course I don't believe the self-talk fixed his tendinitis, but rather helped with how tense everything was, and hence on the "felt" pain. But hey - he could walk again, and the healing process became faster and much less painful!

I've been using this method ever since when I'm in pain. Instead of treating my body as an adversary that I have to subdue into submission, I treat it more like a valued collaborator. Not surprisingly, it is making a great difference!

We follow the same principle in psychotherapy. The parts about our inner self that we don't like (our angry, frustrated, sad parts) that we talk to in a mean way, that we exile, will create tension and sometimes pain.

But when we listen to those parts, hear what they want to tell us, welcome them as valuable parts of our self, then we can let go of the pain and tension around them.

Worth trying out?